Updated 6/3/2021 1:00 AM
Since there’s no easy way to tell if somebody has been vaccinated for Covid-19 federal officials have put Americans on the honor system. If we have not been vaccinated we are supposed to continue wearing masks indoors. Those who have been fully vaccinated are free to remove their masks.
Frankly, after everything I’ve seen in the past 15 months from Americans, I am not so sure we can really trust our fellow citizens to comply with an honor system. We need to be able to tell whether those around us are anti-vaccine so we can keep our (social) distance. Thus I have compiled this handy guide to help Americans immediately identify whether they are near an anti-vaxxer.
And, to make clear, "anti-vaxxer" is a reference to those who willfully choose not to be vaccinated for political purposes or general distrust of vaccines.
• There is a group at the next restaurant table. Someone gets up to use the restroom and when they finally return somebody asks, “Did you fall in?” – we can be reasonably certain they are anti-vaxxers.
• They use the term “titty bar” in casual conversation.
• There’s a bumper sticker on their muddy pickup reading “I eat Priuses for breakfast” – anti-vaxxer.
• Their hobby is making armpit farts.
• Their vacation home is in Sturgis, South Dakota.
• They schedule routine surgery so they don’t have to miss the OAN Network’s three-hour tribute to Barry Goldwater.
• They wear horns and war paint.
• They spend most weekends binge-watching all of Larry The Cable Guy’s movies.
• They think the MyPillow Guy should be the next pope.
• They once broke into the Capitol and left a note on Nancy Pelosi’s desk.
• They need to rent storage space to hold all of their bump stocks.
• He or she ever utters, “Those folks on Parler are too damn liberal for my blood.”
• They are married to Donnie Wahlberg.
• Their entire Twitter bio consists of “F Fauci!” – probably an anti-vaxxer.
• They have ever slept on the sidewalk to be first in line for the opening of a new neighborhood Walmart or Tires Plus.
• He or she enjoys using the term “snot rocket.”
• If it’s a debate over who was a better leader – Abraham Lincoln or Vladimir Putin – they choose Putin.
• They use the word “Karen” three times in a single sentence and they are not speaking to someone named “Karen.”
• They are holding a “QAnon-themed” fifth birthday party for their kid.
• During BLM marches last summer he or she sprayed a garden hose at protesters.
• Their name is “Hank,” “Brenda” or “Kansas.”
• He or she recently won an Omaha City Council race.
• They spend a lot of time whining about how hard it is to find a store selling Pabst Blue Ribbon in cans.
• They have had Covid “three times or thereabouts.”
• They have “liked” at least 1,000 posts on the KFAB Facebook page.
• They are a member of the Omaha Police Department.
• They have a large neck tattoo of Gov. Ricketts’ head or butt.
• They invest all of their money in canned goods and ammunition.
• They were once arrested for shooting out a TV screen in the electronics department at Sears because MSNBC was on.
• He has a career coaching record of 12-20 at Nebraska.
• They spontaneously orgasm whenever NASCAR comes on television.
• They routinely belch up food and then continue chewing it.
• They use the phrase “Ain’t no federal government gonna stick no damn microchip inside my damn head.”
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Brad Dickson is a former writer for "The Tonight Show," a humor columnist for the Omaha World-Herald newspaper, a best-selling author of two books and a professional speaker. You can find Brad on Twitter at @brad_dickson.
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