Anyone can try to predict which team will win Super Bowl 53, formally known as Super Bowl XXXXLLLLVIIIIIII. Instead, I will attempt to forecast how the CBS Super Bowl broadcast will go down, from start to finish, hitting most of the highlights. Fasten your seat belt - some of this ain’t pretty.
8:37 p.m. Central Time, Saturday: The CBS Super Bowl pre-game show kicks off with a look at the Kansas City Chiefs last appearance in a Super Bowl 49 years ago. This was of course planned by the network when it looked like the Chiefs were going to play in Super Bowl 53 and was considered too good to shelve when Kansas City was eliminated.
6:09 a.m. Sunday. The game day portion of the CBS Super Bowl broadcast begins with a thrilling segment called “Breakfast With Nate Burleson.”
7:18 a.m. CBS airs a 12-minute tribute to former Chiefs coach Hank Stram. (Again, because it was thought the Chiefs would be playing.)
9:04 a.m. CBS gives us a taste of local flavor and cuts to a restaurant to show the making of Atlanta staple the fried pie. The segment ends abruptly and Bill Cowher is caught on camera making a barfing gesture.
9:15 a.m. A two-minute interview with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.
9:17 a.m. A 16-minute interview with the designer of Gisele Bundchen’s Uggs.
9:47 a.m. An up close and personal look at the seeing eye dogs used by the referees in the NFC and AFC Championship games.
9:59 a.m. In its much lauded “overcoming adversity” segment CBS reports on the time Tom Brady had to deflate a football even though he was suffering from a hangnail which is easily the greatest challenge he’s ever faced in life. This segment includes interviews with Brady’s teary eyed Boston physician who had to remove the hangnail, his family members and then-girlfriend who said she felt better about the hangnail after Brady dumped her.
The overcoming adversity segment also includes a look at the seven weeks Rams coach Sean McVay toiled in coaching obscurity before getting his big break.
10:30 a.m. The first truly insipid commercial of the day featuring Omarosa, the GoDaddy logo and a mostly naked 90-year-old who’s lactose intolerant.
10:45 a.m. CBS gives us another taste of local Atlanta flavor and cuisine by going behind the scenes at an authentic creole restaurant which features dancing chefs.
11 a.m. An interview with a member of the 2017 Atlanta Falcons who remains in a catatonic stupor after the team blew a 25-point lead and lost to New England in Super Bowl 51. The former player can pretty much only drool and mumble, “The Patriots are coming here - to my town?”
11:30 a.m. A look at several notorious incidents involving Rams defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh including the game when he stomped on the nut-sack of a head linesman. CBS also reflects back on the incident where Suh threw the opposing team’s mascot off the upper deck.
2 p.m. Yet another taste of local Atlanta flavor when CBS takes us to an establishment serving up fried waffles and black eyed peas.
2:45 p.m. What will eventually be widely regarded as the best commercial of the day is shown. I don’t have any details on the ad but predict that it will feature Betty White and a farting animatronic raccoon.
3 p.m.: For the 100th time today a CBS pregame host reports that the Patriots quarterback is eight years older than the Rams head coach.
3:04 p.m. Somebody on the pregame show crew mentions that the list of quarterbacks selected ahead of Brady in the 2000 draft includes Giovanni Carmazzi. This becomes a running gag for the rest of the day.
3:10 p.m. Phil Simms and Jason La Canfora debate whether there needs to be an asterisk next to the outcome of the game if the Rams win since the ref blew the pass interference call that should’ve sent the Saints to the Super Bowl.
3:15 p.m. The pre-game show, now entering hour nine, is beginning to drag. Swiftly running out of things to say Simms sings his high school fight song and Boomer Esiason launches into a diatribe against the referees of Super Bowl XI.
3:35 p.m.: It’s time for another interview with the designer of Gisele’s Uggs.
4:10 p.m. The network cuts to a live report from a South American violent coup attempt where thousands of angry citizens are setting fire to the president’s compound - no, wait, that’s actually Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport during a lull.
4:12 p.m. A cute segment on how the McCourtny Twins’ mom has trouble telling them apart. While it only runs for seven minutes it seems like four hours.
4:30 p.m. An interview with Chiefs coach Andy Reid who compares NFL overtime rules to the Electoral College, spoiled milk, rabies-infected gophers, and, pus.
4:35 p.m. Breaking news from the CBS News division along the U.S.-Mexican border. We learn that plans to build the wall have been delayed after Chiefs linebacker Dee Ford was found lined up in the neutral zone.
4:40 p.m. A taped interview with Rob Gronkowski who instead of using the English language grunts all his answers. Two grunts equals yes, three grunts equals no, an arm fart means “maybe.”
5:25 p.m. Gladys Knight sings the national anthem. CBS cuts away at the beginning, claiming technical difficulties, then cuts back in time for “and the home of the brave” just in case any players decide to take a knee. At the conclusion of the anthem Knight shakes her fist in the air and screams “F*** Colin Kaepernick! And Jimmy Buffett too! And the Pips!”
5:31 p.m. Just before kickoff thousands of Nebraskans switch from the Super Bowl broadcast to an NET special on Scott Frost’s best high school shot puts.
5:40 p.m.-5:56 p.m. CBS analyst Tony Romo successfully predicts the first 11 plays from the line of scrimmage based on formations, including a third and 18 “quadruple reverse flea flicker.”
6:40 p.m. CBS cameras capture Patriots coach Bill Belichick angrily throwing his clipboard because his team has only a 14-0 lead. Jim Nantz says “Belichick is feeling this game early.”
7 p.m. Romo correctly predicts that Brady will grab his groin after completing a 27-yard pass play to Julian Edelman.
7:15 p.m. The iconic John Lennon masterpiece “Imagine” begins playing softly as we go into a commercial. Over the song we see a little boy running through some woods. The carefree boy runs up a long, winding sidewalk and into a home. He races up the stairs, opens the door to a room and “Imagine” is forever ruined when we realize this is a Tidy Bowl ad.
7:18 p.m. The Rams advance the ball to their own 23-yard-line and Romo states, “They’re almost in field goal range for Greg Zuerlein.”
7:20 p.m. Halftime. CBS misses the beginning of the long awaited halftime show as Esiason goes on a protracted diatribe against the referees of Super Bowl II.
7:30 p.m. Big Boi performs his hit “What Ya Been Smokin’, Crank Ho.”
7:37 p.m. Travis Scott walks out and says “I sold out to be here today. But I’m dating a Kardashian so what the #$%^ do ya’ll expect!” then launches into an a capella version of his hit “Y’all Can Kiss My Azz, Y’all.”
7:44 p.m. Maroon 5 takes the stage and sings a medley of Air Supply hit songs.
8:05 p.m. Halftime mercifully ends. The CBS sideline reporter who tried to get an interview with Belichick returns with her head freshly shaved.
8:30 p.m. CBS airs a commercial featuring a horse on ice skates which garners enormous praise online even though nobody in the world has any idea what product is being advertised.
8:35 p.m. The network misses a crucial fourth and one play when it cuts away to an Atlanta restaurant for more local flavor showing the making of a fried apple fritter.
8:39 p.m. A sideline reporter has this vital breaking information: “One of the players has been taken into the tent with an injury to possibly one of his legs or maybe an arm or perhaps a hip. Back to you, Jim.”
8:50 p.m. The network reminds viewers for the 83rd time to stay tuned for the premiere of “FORENSIC COPS,” which is somehow already a hit despite never airing, to be followed immediately by another new show “DANCE YOUR FRIGGIN’ BUTT OFF” hosted by Debbie Allen and RuPaul.
9 p.m. Nantz points out that even though the Rams have a 10-point lead with 1:08 left in the game everybody knows that Brady will find a way to win.
9:04 p.m. After Brady completes a 35-yard pass to James White in heavy traffic Nantz shouts “I’d like to see Giovanni Carmazzi do that!”
9:20 p.m. The Patriots pull off a miraculous finish to win the game as Brady drives his team 97 yards with four seconds left on the clock. Nantz starts to say “Do you believe in -” when Romo looks at him and mouths “No.”
9:21 p.m. CBS microphones catch Belichick ordering his GM to cut whoever just dumped Gatorade on him.
9:30 p.m. In the Patriots locker room Brady tells Tracy Wolfson he plans to only play “about 10 more years.”
9:37 p.m. CBS cameras catch Gronk breaking a celebratory beer bottle over his head. He then walks into the showers while his knuckles drag across the floor.
9:40 p.m. CBS cuts to another local Atlanta restaurant to show chefs making fried kumquats.
9:45 p.m. Over 15 hours after it begins the CBS Super Bowl broadcast ends.
10:05 p.m. Romo finally stops talking.
11:30 p.m. The 2020 Super Bowl pre-game show begins.
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Brad Dickson is a former writer for "The Tonight Show," a humor columnist for the Omaha World-Herald newspaper, a best-selling author of two books and a professional speaker. You can find Brad on Twitter at @brad_dickson.
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