UPDATE: This post has been updated to reflect the news that Tim Miles has been relieved of his duties as the head coach of the Nebraska men’s basketball team.
Now that's he's dismissed Tim Miles, Husker Athletic Director Bill Moos faces the most difficult decision of his life, with the possible exception of having to decide to leave the relatively temperate climate of Washington state for a place where winters tend to be harsher than on the South Pole outback. I figured I’d lend a hand to Moos and offer up these suggestions for a new head Nebraska basketball coach.
Dwyane Wade
Wade and Gabrielle Union already spend much of their time stalking, I mean hanging around, the Husker athletic department. He certainly knows basketball and has tremendous loyalty to Husker athletics. This would be a high profile hire for a program that got its last coach from Colorado State.
Danny Nee
The most successful coach in University of Nebraska men’s basketball history Nee led the Huskers to four consecutive NCAA Tournament appearances but was fired largely due to his Brooklyn accent. Considering what’s happened since, that Brooklyn accent doesn’t sound so bad - wait, it still does sound that bad? OK, forget him.
Lee Barfknecht
The former Husker men’s basketball writer for the Omaha paper Lee knows the program as well as anyone. He’s respected throughout the sports community and when he left said paper I saw it as the most egregious example yet that World-Herald leadership has sadly lost its way. Did I mention that the Zen Gardening columnist still has a job?
Kent Pavelka
I’m in favor of hiring Pavelka, Husker basketball announcer extraordinaire, as head basketball coach so long as he keeps his play-by-play chores. Which means he’d make NCAA history as the first coach to walk along the bench while talking into a microphone. The most fun would occur after games when Pavelka interviews himself.
A coach who looks like Tom Izzo or Rick Pitino
The Husker men’s program is so beleaguered that hiring a legendary college coach is considered next-to-impossible so we’ll have to settle for getting somebody who merely resembles a coaching legend.
Michael Buble’
Drew a big crowd when he was the first artist to perform in the Pinnacle Bank Arena.
Connie Yori
This would be a smart move if you want to go with a proven winner. Send a couple people to help her with her baggage.
Fred Hoiberg
If you left it up to social media users Hoiberg would likely be Nebraska’s next men’s head basketball coach. Of course if you left it up to social media users Faux Pelini would be governor and Larry The Cable Guy would be on the U.S. Supreme Court.
Johnny Trueblood
After not playing for almost his entire career the walk-on had a great post-season . This is sort of like working for a company for 40 years and discovering the day before your retirement that you’re good at the job.
Phil Jackson
A coaching great who would get the program back on track and double membership in the Lincoln “Transcendental Meditation and Tantric Massage Club” to two once he joins.
Tyronn Lue
Would have to make the difficult transition from vying for NBA titles to going to overtime with McNeese in November.
Lil’ Red
Sort of like Tim Miles only easier to take seriously.
Barry Collier
Lil Red and Michael Buble’ would actually be an easier sell to the Board of Regents.
Tom Osborne
Osborne has a basketball background and of course he’s a wonderful coach and molder of young men. However, he’s probably too busy what with his duties speaking out against the legalization of medical marijuana; banning porn; his campaign to place pants on Sandhill cranes; his demand for mandatory prison sentences for anyone saying “damn;” and his work with the Flat Earth Society.
Most any Nebraska sports radio talk show host
These guys have years of experience in telling Miles what he should do.
Punxsutawney Phil
After Punxsutawney’s wretched prediction for an early spring he’d seem to be a perfect fit for the program.
Bruce Chubick
The Omaha South High School coach has proven he can win in Lincoln. Even though he wins playing Omaha Westside and Hastings in the state tournament, at this point fans will settle for that.
Omaha Mayor Jean Stothert
Would spend most games pacing at court-side ranting about Omaha garbage collection.
A Harlem Globetrotter
If a program is incapable of winning consistently the next best thing is a program where players toss a bucket of water on a referee and take backward no look shots from half-court.
The coach of the Washington Generals
He wouldn’t get the job done but at least nobody in out-state Nebraska could complain about not having enough white guys on the team.
Lori Loughlin’s daughter, Olivia Jade
Olivia Jade is looking for a new sport now that the USC crew team scholarship fell through.
Dana Altman
You think that annual game vs. Creighton is blood sport now imagine if Altman was coaching the Huskers? Altman is a proven winner but would bring more baggage than Yori. Actually, he’d bring more baggage than most Southwest Airlines flights.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
If she can draw up a basketball defense half as good as the one she used to keep Amazon out of New York City...of course she would probably change the name of the team to the Nebraska Socialists.
Jon Bruning
“Mr. Do Everything” for the Husker athletic program.
UNO coach Derrin Hansen
He’s coming off a big year with the Mavericks. How big? UNO moved his parking spot from the Arby’s on Dodge to the church lot across the street from campus.
Joey Chestnut
I have no idea if he can coach basketball but would be great on the banquet circuit. “Coach ate everyone’s food in four minutes!”
Jason “Jughead” Jorgenson
Captain of the UNL intramural champion basketball team “Scottie Pippen’s Butt Hairs.”
KETV Weather Dude Bill Randby
Randby is tall like a basketball coach. And, picture this: “With two minutes left to play Coach just rolled up his sleeves so it’s gettin’ real now!”
Bo Pelini
This one is purely for selfish reasons. When you do what I do the Pelini era at Nebraska was truly the halcyon days. Even though he’d rarely make it to the second half of most basketball games due to amassing technical fouls I still favor the hire. Bring Bo back!
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Brad Dickson is a former writer for "The Tonight Show," a humor columnist for the Omaha World-Herald newspaper, a best-selling author of two books and a professional speaker. You can find Brad on Twitter at @brad_dickson.
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